How I’d Quit a Job With Style

photo and story by Blake Kjellesvik

Throughout our lives, we have been told that when we leave a job, we put in our two weeks' notice and respectfully complete our tasks. I say that’s a bunch of boomer and millennial bullshit. If our employers can fire us “at will,” then we should be able to quit “at will.”

I don’t have a job. But if I did — and I hated it — here are my top five ideas for quitting in a grand fashion.

1. Keep it Simple

Walk into your place of work with a swagger like no other. Stand on a table and politely request attention from the crowd. Then, in a Shakespearean dialect, list off the various reasons for your departure. Bonus points if the list is a scroll that you reveal from a fluffy coat.

2. The Musical Number

I would personally bring in a microphone with a speaker and a few friends to play instruments (or, more likely, air guitar). Then I’d either belt out a personalized song specially curated for my soon to be former coworkers, OR I’d sing one of my favorite songs by country legend Wheeler Walker Jr. titled “Fuck This Job.”

3. The Resignation Presentation

This idea only works if you have team meetings where you present stuff. The plan here is to create a PowerPoint with each slide giving reasons and evidence as to why you feel that quitting on the spot at that very moment is a warranted decision. 

I imagine this presentation to be fully decked out with transitions, charts, gifs, and maybe even motivational quotes. You could even offer to take questions at the end and only answer them: “I don’t know, I don’t work here anymore.”

4. Scavenger Hunt

For this, you’ll set up a scavenger hunt. Depending on the intelligence of your coworkers, set the difficulty accordingly. Make your coworkers and boss do the scavenger hunt. You can just say it’s for team building. Make a promise that there is a big ol’ prize at the end. When they get to the end, the prize is a note. It reads, “Suck it! I QUIT!” 

5. I’m a Cowboy, Baby

For this, I imagine coming to work wearing as much cowboy gear as possible: boots, hat, vest, bandana, assless chaps. These are all essential because the goal here is to get questioned about it ASAP, and hopefully, it’s the boss who does so. 

The next step is to, with a southern drawl, claim that you must go now because you’ve got a duel at high noon with the sheriff (this is even funnier if it’s after 12 p.m.). Then, without hesitation, you must run out the doors, mount your horse waiting out front that’s tied to a pole (a stick version is also acceptable) and ride away over the horizon.

Like I said, I don’t have a job right now, but I’m glad I sat down and thought of all these ideas because now I will be totally and completely prepared for the real world — and so will you.